Well, even if I had time, I still would not have gotten a post up. Our Internet got shut off last week and I am over on my cell phone data plan. I wish that I could tell you that something amazing has happened in my life and miraculously I have been able to leave Hubby, but that would be a big fat lie.
We had what should have been a major blow up on Friday. He found out that I wasn’t at work and he flipped. However, not as much as I expected and that almost scares me more. I really cannot keep handling the back and forth and not knowing how he will react. We had an okay weekend. Hubby’s mom had the kids on Saturday. He surprised me with a massage. Then we ran a few errands. He bought me new boots and we went to dinner. It was okay. There were quite a few tense moments.
Alex and I are going out this coming Saturday. I wish I could come up with a good excuse not to go home, but we are supposed to be celebrating my Grandma’s birthday on Sunday so I think that it would cause a fight if I don’t go home Saturday night. I just want more time with Alex. I am afraid that he will get tired of waiting on me to be available. I really care about him and I want the chance to have a real relationship with him, but I don’t know when I will ever be available enough.
I want to leave Hubby, but I am afraid in so many ways. I am afraid to lose my kids, I am afraid of what Hubby will do and what problems he will cause, I am afraid of my children hating me…but I am also afraid of who I will become if I do not get out of this marriage. I don’t like who I am around him.