I was going to write a new post this last week, but I got a virus that kicked my butt for four days. On Monday, I drove most of the way to work and turned around and went home. I should have known better though, I did not actually get any rest. I had to get up and get the kids ready for school and then Hubby wanted me to stay up and help with #4. I did lay down for about an hour before I went to the doctor though. On Tuesday, I went to work, but left early and slept at Alex’s all day while he was at work. I stayed home on Wednesday, but again, no rest. On Thursday, I went to work, but had the availability to leave early and I went to Alex’s to sleep for a few hours. I slept better the days I was at Alex’s than I ever do at home. I know part of that was because there were no distractions and it was quiet (almost too quiet though).
Friday was a very relaxing day because Alex and I both took the day off to spend together. We had breakfast together, watched a little tv, I made lunch, and we talked some. We discussed how hectic it would be if we were together and had all six kids around, how afraid we both are that things will never change between us or that things will end between us. I fear losing him. I fear that he will get tired of the way things are before I am in a position where I feel like I can leave my marriage and he will end our relationship. I fear how heart broken I will be when he finds someone else, someone more available.
My counselor and I talked about my counseling goals. I told her that I want to be happy with me no matter what happens with Hubby, Alex, or any other guy. I want to be happy with who I am no matter what. I want to know that I do not need a guy to be happy. She asked me what things I do not like about myself. The ones that bother me the most are: how insecure I can be, and my temper. I hate the fact that I tend to think the worst when things go a little wrong. I also dislike the fact that I have no idea why anyone would be attracted to me. I dislike the fact that I tend to lose my temper fairly easily. She wants me to make a list of the times that my reaction is not what I want it to be. Either showing the insecurity or the anger.
Hubby is still doing his jabs and telling me how things are my fault. The kids misbehave so much lately because I am at work too much and because our fights are my fault. Our fights are my fault because I am the one who is louder and I escalate them too much. The neighbors called animal control on our barking dog because she is afraid of me. At least that’s what Hubby said.
I finished school this week!!