Where am I headed?


Cover of "The Verbally Abusive Relationsh...

Cover via Amazon

Thanks to Alex, I remembered that I have not finished my last credit class. I still technically have two and a half books left to read. I was reading The Verbally Abusive Relationshipby Patricia Evans. I got almost halfway through that when I just could not do it anymore because it was too hard emotionally to read it. I think that I will skim the other two books and meet with the advisor so that I can be done with it. I will read the books, but right now, I need to get done. Graduation is on Mother’s Day. I was hoping to be out of this house before then, but I guess that will not happen.

Hubby and I did spend a fairly peaceful evening together last night. We were playing the Wii and not talking about anything important. We did skip our reading time last night. I do not think that I mentioned that I agreed to read with him for 20-30 minutes every other night.  We are reading Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. My counselor suggested it because of our history and also because she thinks it would be good to cover all betrayal. We have not gotten very far in it, but so far I am not getting anything out of it.

I worry about Alex every day. He is having a hard time with his new situation. I care about him, but I worry that I am complicating his life even more and I don’t want that. I care about him and no matter what, I want for him to be happy. One day, some woman will realize how special him and his girls are. When that day comes, I plan on telling her to hold on tight. I would love to be that woman, but no one knows what tomorrow brings. I enjoy every minute I spend with him, but the last couple of days I have wondered if he has been trying to get rid of me and it scares me. I am glad that he cares enough that he does not want me to experience what he is experiencing, but I am not happy in my marriage. I just do not know what to do as far as he is concerned. If only we had met under less complicated circumstances.

When Alex touches me, I get goosebumps. When Hubby touches me, I feel nothing. When Alex holds me, I do not want to leave his arms. When Hubby tries to hold me, I cannot wait to get out.

Last weekend, Alex and I went out. We went to the grocery store, back to his house to put the groceries away, to the bar to meet some of his friends, and we stopped by my friend’s house so she could meet him. While we were at the bar, I was recognized by one of my cousins. It was okay because this cousin does not like what he has recently heard about my marriage from my brother. I really enjoyed meeting Alex’s friends. I could definitly get used to it.

Today, #4 told me that she had to go poopy in the potty, and she actually did!!! I am so proud of her!

This week, I got an email from a friend at church telling me about a really good job. I talked to him about it more today. It sounds amazing. I would be managing two different delis. The delis are not profitable and they need to get someone who could get them that way. I would report to only one person and would be able to run them as if they were my own business. I would start at 25K plus benefits. This friend would give me a good reference. I would love to do it. I know that it has nothing to do with my BLS degree, but at least it would be something I would enjoy.

Hubby is sleeping on the couch right now. Seriously? I knew things would start to go back the way they were, but I did not think that it would start to be this fast. I guess in some ways, nothing has changed. He tries to be all lovey dovey, but he is still blaming and accusing. Now, all of our children’s behavior problems are my fault because I brought up divorce.

Well, I need to go read some of these books and start making dinner. I will try to write more often.

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