Hubby decided today that we needed to go to my grandma’s to tell her what is going on. I was freaked out. I know my grandma likes Hubby and I was afraid that she, like my mother, would be upset with me over my decision. We went in and I broke down and told her how I felt. She was more supportive than I could have imagined. She told me that she will clean out her spare room, if I need a place to stay. I appreciate it, but she does not have room for me and my kids.
Hubby wants me to open up to him because our biggest problem is communication. I am not opening up to him Every time I do, he finds a way to use it against me. I cannot talk to my mom because she is obviously against this. My good friend cannot stand Hubby anyways and so I can only talk to her so much. Alex has enough problems of his own and surely does not need mine. Besides, if I keep running to him, I am going to lose too much of my heart. I have already let him have more than I ever imagined I would. I just feel so alone.
My final paper of my BLS is done! Alex is going to proofread it for me and then I will make corrections. I am so excited to be done, but at the same time I am scared to be done. School has been my escape my whole life. How I do at school is a reflection of me. It is the one way that I feel some sort of recognition.
I worry about the kids. I know that they will be okay in the long run. I know that we need to be civil in order to make it easier on them, but I am afraid of what Hubby is going to say to them. I will do my best to hold the same type of demeanor that my dad always had. I do not remember him ever having anything negative to say about my mom, ever.
Sometimes I wish I could just run away. The only reason I do not is because of my kids. One of the first things I want to do as a newly divorced woman is take a trip to Canada. I will do it when Hubby has the kids. He wants to do 50/50. That is fine, but I think the best way to do it is by switching weeks. He sounds like he wants to do every other day. I think that if we are going to do 50/50 and we are not doing it by switching weeks, we need to come up with a schedule that is somewhere in between. Switch weekends, one of us have Monday through Wednesday at noon and the other one has them Wednesday at noon through Friday night.