I still feel alone

Hubby decided today that we needed to go to my grandma’s to tell her what is going on. I was freaked out. I know my grandma likes Hubby and I was afraid that she, like my mother, would be upset with me over my decision. We went in and I broke down and told her how I felt. She was more supportive than I could have imagined. She told me that she will clean out her spare room, if I need a place to stay. I appreciate it, but she does not have room for me and my kids.

Hubby wants me to open up to him because our biggest problem is communication. I am not opening up to him Every time I do, he finds a way to use it against me. I cannot talk to my mom because she is obviously against this. My good friend cannot stand Hubby anyways and so I can only talk to her so much. Alex has enough problems of his own and surely does not need mine. Besides, if I keep running to him, I am going to lose too much of my heart. I have already let him have more than I ever imagined I would. I just feel so alone.

My final paper of my BLS is done! Alex is going to proofread it for me and then I will make corrections. I am so excited to be done, but at the same time I am scared to be done. School has been my escape my whole life. How I do at school is a reflection of me. It is the one way that I feel some sort of recognition.

I worry about the kids. I know that they will be okay in the long run. I know that we need to be civil in order to make it easier on them, but I am afraid of what Hubby is going to say to them. I will do my best to hold the same type of demeanor that my dad always had. I do not remember him ever having anything negative to say about my mom, ever.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away. The only reason I do not is because of my kids. One of the first things I want to do as a newly divorced woman is take a trip to Canada. I will do it when Hubby has the kids. He wants to do 50/50. That is fine, but I think the best way to do it is by switching weeks. He sounds like he wants to do every other day. I think that if we are going to do 50/50 and we are not doing it by switching weeks, we need to come up with a schedule that is somewhere in between. Switch weekends, one of us have Monday through Wednesday at noon and the other one has them Wednesday at noon through Friday night.

3 thoughts on “I still feel alone

  1. So sorry you feel so alone. I’m sure its worse this time of year. I’m glad to hear your grandma was supportive though! That’s wonderful to have her in your corner. 🙂

  2. I have been following your story and I just want to tell you that you are NOT alone. I am not an expert on anything so I really don’t know what your best path is; I guess none of us do. What I suspect is that the indecision and wondering what is best for the kids can be emotionally draining. Maybe you’ll feel better once you stick to a decision and move forward???

    Anyway, I just wanted to reach out to let you know you are not alone and there are others feeling the way you do. You are just more courageous in sharing how you feel.

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