I feel lost. Hubby says that things will change, but I have a hard time believing it. We did finally have a conversation last night that did not involve screaming or yelling. I explained to him that I will always love him, but I just cannot live like this anymore. I explained to him that I do not feel like I can talk to him or tell him how I feel because I fear his reaction. How I know things will change, they always do, but it never lasts and I am too old for this roller coaster. He told me that if I ever change my mind, he will be there. I told him I am tired of being treated like a child.
Then there is Alex. I am so afraid of what is or is not there. I know that the two of us are in a very difficult position. We are both very vulnerable and if we go past where we are at, one of us will surely get hurt. I know that I value his friendship and I am afraid of losing that or screwing it up. He is the first person that I really feel like I can be honest with. I can tell him exactly how I feel and that, in and of itself, scares me. I think of him a great deal. I am afraid of getting my heart too much into it and getting it crushed. At the same time, I am afraid of hurting him. I do not want to lose his friendship, it means too much to me.
Hubby seems to be sucking up quite a bit more, but I have seen this before. I know that sounds pessimistic, but I just cannot get hurt there anymore. One of the things that the marriage counselor told me in that last session was that I need to put up “emotional barriers” to my husband. Wait a minute! I think that is completely against what marriage stands for. You should not have any barriers to your spouse. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. If I have ever felt that I could be completely honest with Hubby, it has been a long time. I am always afraid of how he will react and what he will say. I told him that. I told him that I am tired of being afraid of how he will react to what I say or how he will use it against me. I told him that is part of the reason I do not want to go to the marriage counselor. I am afraid of being honest with her because I am afraid of how he will use it against me. Supposedly she told him today that she does not think there is much more she can do for him, unless I start coming. So, he seems to be trying to push me into going with him. I am still so afraid though.