What I want matters


If I type “Everything is wonderful. I am happy with my life exactly the way it is.” Would you believe me? If you have been reading my blog for very long, you are probably thinking “LIAR!”

Well, I guess there are moments when I can say that, but usually I am pretending that my life is exactly the way I want it for that moment. Like Saturday night. Hubby dropped me off at the mall. I walked around with headphones in for about an hour and then Alex picked me up.

Alex and I ended up sitting at Applebees until about 12:30. It was amazing. We just sat there and talked. I pretended that it was my normal life. Too bad it is not.

Today, I my heart was completely broken for about 2 hours. Alex told me that he wanted me to stop texting him for a couple days so that I could work on my marriage. What he does not seem to realize is that at my house, working on it means pretending that everything is okay and I have no problems with anything. I told Alex all of that. Things are now back to “normal” between us. I guess I did not realize how much I have let him in until I thought I had lost him. I need to be careful. I do not want my heart broken. I do not think I can handle that.

Yesterday, I told Hubby that I am done. I cannot do this anymore. We are going to try to figure out 50/50 so that we can keep the attorneys out of it. I cannot let it go to attorneys. I cannot afford an attorney. The more I listen to him, the more I wonder if he is right about me. Maybe I am not as good of a mother as I like to think I am. Maybe I am just running away like my mother. Maybe the kids are better off with him.

Speaking of my mother, he has successfully turned her against me. She called me freaking out last night. Telling me that I have to put up with this and make it work. I told her that I do not. I told her today that if she cannot back me up, she can go away. I am sure that he is working to get everyone against me. He will not be happy until he can get my family and our friends on his side so that he can parade them all into court to tell the judge how much I have been gone.

I would love to just disappear. Alex made promise I would not disappear. My kids need me. He needs me.

Well, I better go. Hubby and I are going to discuss what to do about Christmas this year.

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