What now?

What a long couple of days it has been. I do not even know where to start…

How about this. I am sitting in the school computer lab on my lunch break for two reasons: 1.) I do not want to go to the Christmas lunch and 2.) I do not want to run into Alex’s wife. I would like to tell you that things have been great over the last few days, but I would be lying. Things blew up at his house and I am not sure how long it will be before it reaches my house. Did I mention that Alex’s wife is taking a class with and is friends with Hubby’s cousin? And her new hair person is the cousin’s girlfriend? Yeah. Ok, so maybe I should have been a little more conscious of the possible reprecussions. However, I do not regret a thing that has happened between us.

I would have wanted to leave Hubby anyways. I have not been happy for a long time, but was too afraid to leave because I was afraid of being alone. Alex reminded me that someone can like me for me. Even if nothing ever works out between us, I cannot deny that he has helped me more ways than he will ever realize. I worry about him though. I have offered to back off so that he can get things under control and keep things civil for his split, but he tells me that he does not want me to go any where. He also told me that he does not want this to come back and hurt me and my kids.

We finally got more than an hour together. We went to dinner and talked. It was nice to just sit and talk, without a center console between us. If what I feel for Alex is not love or the beginning of it, I do not know what it is. I think about him almost constantly. When I am upset, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. When something good happens, I want to tell him about it. I want him to meet my family.

I told my Mom about the possibility of everything blowing up and why. She asked if I was having an affair, I told her no. I am not. We are friends. That does not matter though, it will not be seen that way. All I wonder is if and when Hubby’s cousin will say something to Hubby. Unless he asks around for a phone number, the only time he will have the chance is at a family function. I really hope that he has the decency not to say something at a family function.

What now? That is what I keep wondering. Should I finish the paperwork so that it is ready when it all blows? Should I bring it up so that I can curb the reaction before Hubby gets approached by someone else? I guess it does not matter what I say, Hubby will believe it is only a friendship any more than Alex’s wife believes it.