Fighting confusion is futile


I really do not know what to think anymore. Hubby is trying to reel me back in with his temporary charms. I am actually resisting them. I cannot play his games forever. I will not. Obviously these charms are only temporary, or we would not go through this every few years. This is the last time though. I am done. Yes, I am playing nice and trying to keep the fighting to a minimum until after the holidays. By then, hopefully I can have a plan. I was hoping that I would still be working and I could start putting money away, but that is not going to happen.

I cannot get Alex out of my mind. I am so scared of how he makes me feel. Why am I scared to be happy? Or am I afraid of getting hurt?

During one of our fights, Hubby told me that no guy would want me unless he was “dinking” me. Yes, he used that word. I know that is one of his fear tactics, but what if he is right? It is hard for a single mom to have time to breathe, let alone fall in love. Who wants to come into instantly having four kids? What I meet someone that wants kids of his own? I cannot provide that, my tubes are tied.

I keep thinking about my graduation in May. My dad will be here. I keep picturing him meeting Alex. It should be interesting. I know that both of us are emotionally gone from our marriages, but both divorces are going to be ugly. I cannot help but think about where we would be if we had not taken that class together. Would we both still be living our lives, ignoring the problems in our marriages? Or would we both still be considering divorce? I cannot stand to think that I was the catalyst for his getting worse. I hope not. I like to think that we both have made each other remember what happiness is, what it feels like to be cared about, what it feels like to be listened to, what it feels like to be wanted, what it feels like to be respected, what it feels like to smile, among other things.

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