Change is hard, but good can come out of it

I do not know what to write. I can start by telling you that I have come to the decision that my marriage is over. I will not do anything about it until after the holidays. The divorce will be hard enough on the kids without doing it right in the middle of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know that you may not agree with this decision, but I have decided that putting my kids and myself through the stress of always walking on eggs is not fair. I have made this decision and I will see how well I can stick to it.  I am going to see my doctor tomorrow to take the depression test and get a counseling referral. I think it is time to work on the attitude I want to have and work on the issues that I have and also the ones that I have always had.
The Brady Bunch opening grid, season one

Image via Wikipedia

I have been talking to Alex more. It is nice to have someone who listens to me and wants to see me happy. It is also nice to have someone who understands how I feel. I forgot how nice it is to have a good friend to talk to. The problem is that the more we talk the more feelings I have for him and it scares the poo out of me. Neither one of us is in a place to begin a relationship. He has said he feels the same way about me, but he cannot promise me anything. The butterflies that I get in my stomach when I think about him, speak to him, or see him are just out of this world. If nothing else, he has given me my smile back. It has been far too long since I smiled and meant it. The question is, now what?? We have joked about the fact that we would have six kids between us. Now we throw around Brady Bunch jokes. I do not think it will ever get that far.

Hubby called me at work yesterday to tell me that our power had been shut off. What I had in the business account was about $50 short of what we needed to get it back on. I called my mom to see if she had the money and she did. When Alex found out what was going on he handed me $60 and told me that he wanted me to get the power bill taken care of and if I was able to come up with the money some other way, to put the $60 away for something else we needed. “No strings attached and I don’t want it back.” I just do not know how to feel about this whole thing.

Do not think that I made the decision about my marriage based on the hope that Alex will leave his wife and we will make a happy family. I still hold out hope for his marriage. I would love nothing more for him than for his wife to open her eyes and see that she has a husband that has been trying. He told me that he is also to the point that he does not care what his wife decides to do.

Just tonight he told me that he wants nothing more than to take all of us and run away. I am just afraid that we both feel the way we do because of how hurt and vulnerable we both are. I am also afraid that I am already falling way too far than I should be. I mean we have only known each other for seven weeks, but it feels like forever. I have thought about the fact that he is only four years younger than my step-father, but then I remind myself that my step-father is only fifteen years older than me. Every time I come up with a reason to stop texting him and walk away, I come up with another reason not to. I even went so far as to tell him that I feel like I am complicating his life and that I should just back off and he tells me that I better not go anywhere.

I do not know how Hubby will take the news that I want a divorce, but I would like to think that he will not be surprised. Things have been horrible at our house lately. Especially the last couple of days. He has slept the evening away almost every night this week. The sad part is that I did not mind. I actually enjoyed the quiet. He got up about the time I was headed for bed and I just put my foot down about not staying up. He has been angry with almost everything I have done in the last couple of days. Just today I got an email from #3’s teacher about his tardiness. I informed her that I was at work by then and would be discussing it with his father. How can we live TWO blocks from the school and he still cannot get them there on time?? I do understand that his back hurts, but what am I supposed to do about it exactly?? One of us has to try to bring in some income. My step-mother has pointed out that it is always like this when I work and unfortunately she is right. I am just so confused and scared!!


What made you decide that divorce was your best option? How did you tell your spouse?


3 thoughts on “Change is hard, but good can come out of it

  1. What a heart-wrenching post. I feel for you as I’ve been there (sort of). Thanks for the link to my blog ~ as it was about miscommunication, do you think perhaps you and your husband need to talk about what’s going on? Divorce is devastating not only to the adults, but to the children as well. Yes, they will adapt to any new environment, but if the adults are angry, they will sense that and be drawn into it and worse, they will feel responsible.

    You probably don’t want to hear this, but Alex needs to not be a part of your life right now. From your post, I sense that you’ve already made an emotional connection to him that extends beyond the friendship you now have. I think you might have already pictured yourself as a couple with him and are romanticizing the relationship. It’s not healthy to do that, especially when you both are still married and have kids.

    Think about this. Talk to your husband. He might be angry all the time because emotionally you’ve checked out and are giving Alex all the attention you should be showing your husband. I don’t know, I’m not there, so all of this might just be me spouting craziness.

    I just hate to see people rush to divorce. Being married is super hard, but being a single mom is harder a hundred times.

    Whatever you do decide, best of luck to you and I hope you find serenity.

  2. I feel for you. This is a hard situation to be in. I’m sort of new to your blog so I admit to not knowing your whole story, but I have to agree with Tameri. No good can come of a relationship that started before your marriage ends. I think you need to deal with your marriage first and all the feelings that go along with that before you can be whole and ready to begin a new healthy relationship. Of course I wish you the best and I get that he makes you feel happy and alive and all the wonderful things you have been craving. If it is meant to be – and it might just be – then he will still be there after you sort through all of this. I’m glad you are going to the doctor, it’s a good step in taking care of you! I wish you the best and sorry if I said some things you didn’t want to hear!

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