WOW! I was asked today if I was happy in my marriage. I was not sure how to answer that question. I finally answered with “Sometimes.” The conversation evolved into the guy asking me if I would ever cheat on my husband. I was not shocked to hear this question out of this guy, but I did already tell him that he is closer to my mom’s age than he is to mine. For his age, he is very good looking. I would have never guessed that he was that old. Not that 41 is old, but to a girl who is 28… Even if I would cheat on my husband and this guy was closer to my age, I sure as hell would not do it with this guy. I have heard about the way he talks about the women he sleeps with. For one, it would never be “our little secret.” For two, I refuse to be another notch in some guy’s bed post.

Yesterday started out as a good day. I got up and took #1 & #2 to church while #3 & #4 were at my MIL’s house. Hubby and I had a plan for him to meet me after my Sunday school class and we would go do one of our lawns before the kids got done with choir. Then, we would pick up the kids and go watch #4 get her first professional pictures done. Apparently, I was wrong. Yesterday, it did not seem to matter what I did, I was wrong. Then, I got to put on a happy face because he invited company over. Somedays, I wonder why I put up with it all.

(183/365) Shhh....

Image by Sarah G... via Flickr

Somedays, I play the “What If” game. What if I had given up on the hubby after the third dance he blew me off for? What if I had listened to my dad and stayed at Dad’s instead of moving to Mom’s? What if I had gone to school when I was supposed to? What if I had given CC a chance that night? What if I had given up on the hubby before we got married? What if I had filed for divorce one of the two times I considered it? What if… Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I just wonder how things would be different in my life if I had made different choices.

I cannot wait for CC to come to town again. Maybe next time, we can plan in advance and I can have more time to talk to him. I have to admit, it did feel a little awkward, but it was nice to talk to someone who actually cared about what I had to say and listened to me. CC wanted to listen to me. No one ever listens to what I have to say. Most people try their best to try to shut me up. I am still a little nervous about CC. I want to trust him, but I want to make sure he is not just out to get in my pants (not that I think he does not want that also, I just hope that is not all he wants). I know I should trust him, but after all I have been through in my life, I am still not sure…

2 thoughts on “Somedays…

  1. I know the “What if” game very well. (Don’t play it though!)
    Hang in there! I’m new to reading your blog but already feel like I can relate to so much of what you are saying 🙂
    Have a good day!

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