June 1, 2008
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think that maybe it is time that I share some things with you. I want you to know that I have prayed about this and feel this is the right thing to do. I hope that you will read this and understand that I am not trying to blame or accuse you. I don’t want you to get defensive, but I do want to help you understand more about me. I also feel that this will help me resolve some of my own inner anger. I love you and I do not want to become you and Grandma. I want a real loving and trusting relationship with you and I think the only way to get there is for me to honestly tell you all the things I have been harboring for so many years.
The hardest part is where to start. I think that part of what I need to do is let you read parts of my psychology paper. You are going to read things here and in my paper that you will not like and you may even get mad at some people for some things you read, but none of it is worth you getting mad at them over it.
I have made a few attempts through the years to share things with you and you have lashed out at me. This time I am going to try to do this in a productive and less abusive method.
First of all, thank you for having such a great relationship with Dad and Stepmom. I know life for me could have been worse.
June 2, 2008
Yes, this letter will probably make you angry, but I can’t keep it in any longer.
You left Dad and I. We were supposed to be the most important people in your life. I always thought that I would understand why you did what you did when I grew up. However, as a wife and mother who almost lost my husband and children, I do not understand how you could just walk away. I never realized how much you hurt Dad until I was pregnant with #1 and he told Hubby that he would hurt him if he ever left me and the baby the way you left us.
You would tell me that you would be there for something and something would come up. I remember visiting Grandma more than I remember visiting you. As far as your choice to give me to Dad instead of subjecting me to what you were doing, I have the same response for you that I have for Angie and Brady. Maybe if you had chose me, you would not have made so many drug choices.
That is another thing, I feel, and have for many years, that you have more time and energy for everyone, except me.
You dated one guy after the next and jerked them in and out of my life like it didn’t affect me. Guess what, it did.
I remember when I was in jr high school in Garfield and the last choir concert of the year was happening. I planned to not take choir in high school, so it was supposed to be my last choir concert ever and you missed it because Wade needed you to watch Lance. I don’t know how many choir concerts you missed when I was in high school. Eventually I quit counting.
June 8, 2008
When I moved back the last time, part of the reason was because I wanted to be closer to Hubby. Even then, I knew I loved him. I don’t think that anyone understood that back then.
**I never did give this to my mom. As you can see, I did not even finish it.**