July 10, 2006

The trial is supposed to start in two weeks. I am very nervous. I have been a little off lately. I feel like I am not myself. I don’t like being at work. I want to talk to [my general manager] about it just so that she realizes that this is not me. I am not usually so out of it. I can’t wait for all of this to be over so we can have a normal life. I am glad BIL2 is home on leave, but it is making my life difficult. I am trying to plan #1’s birthday party, but oh no cant do that because MIL wants us all to go to the coast, but we won’t know anything until the last minute. I am afraid of requesting Monday off and then not being able to go. We cannot afford that. I am tired of being the bad guy because I am thinking logically. I am the bad guy because I want to give the kids their own birthday parties. I feel like I am expected to do everything everywhere, but o one wants to help when I ask for it. I don’t want to depend on anyone except me because I don’t want to be let down or left alone. I don’t want to depend on Jason’s help because I need to know that I can do this all by myself if I need to. I will figure this out, but I don’t want to take me away from my kids. They need me too. I just wish I had a friend, or a sibling I could talk to. I want to talk someone without being judged. Unfortunately, I don’t trust anyone enough to talk; and even if I did, Jason would get mad at me for it. I am so stressed out. I just wish that I had something to do to release it all. That is part of the reason I wanted to get the gym membership and we ended up wasting $200 plus. I am going to try to get a refund. It is after 11 and I do not feel like I can sleep. I know I need it, but there is so much going through my head right now. I have thought about doing some housework, or maybe some exercise. I really need to get myself into shape and healthy so I can keep up with myself and my kids. We are going to all be very busy here real soon. God, please help me to do what is right. Help me to keep my temper and find healthy stress releases. I guess I am going to bed now.